When going through Japanese customs, make sure to wear fresh underwear.
You will never be sent an invitation to join the Middle Aged SalaryMan Club.
If you don’t like John Denver songs, never be a guest of a Tatami Dragon Lady.
If you come across an old lady in Japan with crooked teeth, give her a lift.
‘Fuck you’ can easily be lost in translation.
If the gods are watching, smile back.
Saigon divorces are quicker than those in Phnom Penh.
Avoid joking with Vietnamese sandwich makers who may be armed with machetes.
Fake pee stains can become a very convenient getaway vehicle.
If you see a crinkled Soviet jet cruising a few wing lengths away from your own dilapidated plane, don’t forget to wave.
If there’s a chair throwing Frenchwoman on your flight, you are in the midst of a flightmare.
If any tits are not stowed during takeoff, you are definitely in the midst of a flightmare.
If you ever find yourself in the belly of Addis Ababa airport looking for your luggage, keep your mouth closed.
Travel insurance does not cover your body’s recovery from canyons in India or Africa.
If offered raw meat at an Ethiopian wedding, swallow. It doesn’t taste as bad as you think.
Live bullets are not an IATA approved carry on item.
If your bus driver has six fingers, fear not: in some countries this is a sign of good luck. (Just don’t ask me which one)
If you lie to someone in the travel industry, be prepared to run into them in the middle of nowhere.
If you board a flight and see crew wearing synthetic vomit green saris, be afraid.
Even saddhus need a vacation.
If you’re ever the victim of a drive by blessing, just tell everyone you are half Nepali.
What’s printed on postcards isn’t always what you want to find.
No matter what your passport says, in India, your name will become ‘Marijuana’.
Be suspicious of anyone wearing an upside down ‘Ganesh’ nametag.
Don’t ever wear black in India. Ever.
Sandwiches should never taste like cow crap.
Apple Power books can be used as murder weapons.
If a rat runs over your foot, relax: you’ll grow rich.
The Dalai Lama does not have a vagina.
For the record, I never bought a Lapis Lazuli necklace in Kabul.
Yak fur comes up easier that it goes down.
Ignore that impish retired railway official in the Bombay train station.
Beware the Delhi Dog Shit Man.